SCA

Warning: Spoiler alert! There are articles here that have yet to be published elsewhere. All content copyrights belong to “True Thomas the Storyteller” (Robert Seutter) and/or the SCA. If you would like to re-publish these articles in your SCA newsletters, magazines, etc. please feel free to contact THL Thomas Whitehart (True) and he’ll be glad to help you.

• ABC-SCA, The SCA Alphabet Primer
• A Shield Wall of One!
• Bad-Bard, Bad-Bard, Whatcha' Gonna Do?
• Born in the SCA
• Crag's Lyst, (April Foolish!)
• The Medieval Diner
• Sunny Valhalla SCA Retirement Home
• Secret Stratagems
• Siege Towers 101
• The Boke of the Dyseases le SCadyian
• The Fyne Art of Combat Brewing
• True’s Glossary of…EVIL!, Version 3.0!
• Happy Hanu-Kwana-Solsti-rismas!
• The Fyne art of Feast Warfare
• SCA Heraldic Zodiac Bling
• Welcome to the New Middle Aged-ness
• The Fyne Art of Picking a Nemesis
• A Visit From Sir Sven A Claus

• Class Handouts

Secret Stratagems

By: THL Thomas Whitehart

One of my personal tilting windmills has been the Pentathlons or A&S competitions. As storyteller-bard type, most of the categories I would enter are a bit intimidating. The problem is, the things I’m interested in are either documented incredibly well, (Wow, True, did you Google this all by yourself?”) or seem to have fallen into a huge pit of nebulosity roughly the size of the Marianas trench. (I’m sorry, you’ll have to have a double PhD in Ancient Literatures/Languages before we can let you know this document ever existed.)

When it comes to performing antediluvian pieces, there’s that whole pesky thing about doing it in another language. For some annoying reason, our forefathers did not use 21st century American (Californian) English when they did things. To which I can only say….“Dude!”

I can go out and learn an ancient language…but I have no doubt that when I present my linguistic marvel, they will find a judge who specializes in the “east Ubangi bushman dialect”, and I will get marked down for the lack of ornamentation on my glottal stops.

While I ponder yon academic Windmill, I thought I would secretly share some strategies I’ve come up with for Pentathlons and A&S competitions. (Warning-Your mileage may vary!)

“Hired Gun” Have your documentation done by the current head of Ancient Studies, in, say, Cambridge. Or get someone brilliant to do your paper on early 11th Century Italian Monastic Mathematical Theorems. “Uhm, Thomas, didn’t Stephen Hawking just do a doctorial thesis on this?” “Yes. Damn that plagiarizing bastard. He promised me I could submit this first!”

“Distraction“ “And now, my piece on 12th century Latvian Yak Yodeling! Oh, and while I present, her Excellency Faizeh, the ladies of House Bella, and 14 of the most accomplished dancers in the kingdom will interpret it in dance.”

“Implied Threat” Have twenty or so of the biggest fighters glowering in at the judges during your presentation. “And thus concludes my piece on head traumas inflicted by outraged students and their slates, and subsequent deaths of the scholars.” Glower. (I’ve been given to understand some of our better fighters actually have advanced degrees in “Ominous Looming,” with a minor in “Glazed Psychotic Smiles.”)

“Divine Intervention” Do said project. Go to the religious organization of your choice. Pray, invoke, sacrifice, tithe, etc. Submit project. With any luck, any dissenting judges will be hit a lightning bolt, be eaten by a passing lion, or have their wardrobe attacked by a plague of moths.

“Not so Divine Intervention” This one works on the principle of “If all the world’s a stage, you want better lighting”. Hire some of Hollywood’s best lighting and decorating people to help you. “Well, your lordship, that piece was…alright…but that part where you floated in with backlit clouds, and beams of sunshine and the cherubs flying around you…that really rocked!” Tip: offer the Judges free signed T-shirts afterwards.

“More Crowns than a Dentist Office”. While Laurel types are not easy to intimidate, if you brought in all the ruling nobles since, say, 1976, polished up all their head gear, and had them cheer every word you said…you might make a dent. Get someone to shine a maglite across all their coronets while the nobles all applaud.

“Attack of the Hedons” Imagine if you will, this is happening at a wet, cold, miserable Estrella. (Not hard, eh?) “And good gentles, over here is the absolutely period cappuccino machine, (here, let me put a touch of the “irish” in that) and here are the thoroughly documented Tollhouse double-chocolate chip cookies, right from the oven. Now, while you peruse my documentation, it is traditional that the cookie and coffee imbiber get a foot rub, massage, and head skritch simultaneously.

“Truly Authentical” Go to the museum of London. Hide in lavatory until 3am. Steal “bog find” garment or other archeological treasure. Copy available documentation. Present. Nothing could be simpler!

“Looks Impressive” Build something. Cover it with gold and jewels. This might or might not work, as they might actually inspect the craftsmanship. A better angle might be the “Looks Terribly Dangerous” “And now, if the judges will come over here…let’s put on this armor, aaand these wet blankets. Now, as we take the fuming nitrous essence, and pour it into the ochre of pitchblende..hmmn. That’s odd. It’s never done that hissy-glowy thing before….” (Get them to fill out judging sheet before they start running for the door.)

“No Possible Way” “Why yes, this is an east Merovingian nose ladder, made from braided quomsit vines and toenails. My documentation comes from the brass rubbings of the high Lativerian altar itself, in early “I’^! dialect.” This maneuver counts on the fact that there is no possible way they could have an expert on this, mainly because it’s a complete work of fiction.

“Learn Jedi Mind Powers” “ You think this is completely authentic. You think I am brilliant. You will now give me a parade while carrying me on your shoulders.” This one sounds easy, but I’ve been unable to secure a reliable source of midi-chlorians. Somehow I think my son has managed to find some though. He manages to stay up past his bed-time a lot more often then I would normally allow. I suspect a disturbance in the force.

“Publish and Perish” Rig a deadfall trap. Bait with chocolate. Use a massive amount of documentation as the weight. When the judges go for the chocolate, “FAWAMP!” they are pinned under the documentation. At this point they must barter to be released.

If anyone out there has some equally viable errr… maneuvers, feel free to let me know. I’ve been assured that Pentathlons and A&S competitions are actually a great deal of fun, and a wonderful way to learn about our heritage. Myself, I’m still working on my own “Kobiyashi Maru” ploy…now, let’s see, if I can get them to go to the “Taste of Caid” before they do my judging….hmmn…

Good Luck!

THL Thomas (This way to the Egress) Whitehart is also known as “True Thomas the Storyteller.”