SCA

Warning: Spoiler alert! There are articles here that have yet to be published elsewhere. All content copyrights belong to “True Thomas the Storyteller” (Robert Seutter) and/or the SCA. If you would like to re-publish these articles in your SCA newsletters, magazines, etc. please feel free to contact THL Thomas Whitehart (True) and he’ll be glad to help you.

• ABC-SCA, The SCA Alphabet Primer
• A Shield Wall of One!
• Bad-Bard, Bad-Bard, Whatcha' Gonna Do?
• Born in the SCA
• Crag's Lyst, (April Foolish!)
• The Medieval Diner
• Sunny Valhalla SCA Retirement Home
• Secret Stratagems
• Siege Towers 101
• The Boke of the Dyseases le SCadyian
• The Fyne Art of Combat Brewing
• True’s Glossary of…EVIL!, Version 3.0!
• Happy Hanu-Kwana-Solsti-rismas!
• The Fyne art of Feast Warfare
• SCA Heraldic Zodiac Bling
• Welcome to the New Middle Aged-ness
• The Fyne Art of Picking a Nemesis
• A Visit From Sir Sven A Claus

• Class Handouts

Attack of the Pirate Peeps

Or

The Fyne art of Feast Warfare

By: THL Thomas Whitehart

I have to admit, I was never all that excited about official feasts. I preferred the more boisterous household affairs, that lent themselves to more hilarity than heraldry. As a bard, it’s always been one of the nice perks of the job, that when people have feasts, you often get invited to perform at them! I can tell you, at many of them, the food has been incredible. I’ve eaten perfect steaks with the 9th, and sampled Master Quinn’s incredible beef stroganoff, and so much more. In Dreiburgen’s “Big Blue,” I’ve see an array of beverages that would rival any four star restaurant. It never fails to amaze me how many of my fellow SCAdians are multi-talented. It’s pretty cool when you have friends who can knock you out with Crème Brulee, or a ballista. For several years, I was lucky enough to be adopted by House DeSteele, whose focus was on cooking. I knew from the moment I performed at their camp, and was rewarded with “Death by Chocolate Brownies” that these were people who were inspired by the very gods of cooking.

After I mooched my way in, I told my other jealous friends…”When at war, camp with the hobbits! They understand tweenses!” Since then, I’ve moved on to House Strongbow, to be with my lady, and have kept agitating for war-time culinary competitions with some success. We’ve lured one of Atenveldt’s best cooks over to our camp, and I hear that a barbeque competition is in the offing, and I, for one, am waiting with a stack of wetwipes.

When my lady told me that we were going to 12th night, and I found out that many of the culinary conspirators in kitchen were from House DeSteele, I was both delighted and saddened. When you have friends who are chefs, it is often a mixed blessing. You miss their sharing their company (as they are busier than maddened badgers), but you get really great cuisine.

Now, for those of us who’ve been to 12th night feasts, you can see some incredible table decorations. This year was no exception. This feast had a theme that centered on Venice, and the winning table looked like something from renaissance masters, complete with perfectly dressed matching maidens. Wow. I can only say, if the SCA ever did a Rose Bowl Parade Float, it would be the most ornate and well documented thing ever seen on TV. And of course, it would involve a lot of duct tape. Can you imagine the announcer? “Ah yes, Bob, and now we have “an Illuminated Age” a float submitted by the SCA. It is covered with millions of flowers all carefully documented back the middle ages, grown from heirloom seeds, and embroidered onto hand made silk. Those people whom seem to be fighting with the Entry from Medieval times are the “Dancing Dukes.” According to this, this float is completely powered by Pelicans. How Fascinating!”

But I digress…. Now, on our table, we had a less ambitious but more militant theme going. My lady has a small replica siege tower, to match the much bigger one she keeps in her drive way. Around it, we have miniature fighters, cavalry, and of course archers, both crossbow and longbow. On the top, it has a small working catapult which, when aimed correctly, can lob a Hershey’s Kiss just far enough to hit nearby other banquet tables. This year, on the table next to us, we were “horrified” to realize that there was similarly militant table setting, albeit in a nautical vein. This table had a ship, complete with mast and prow, and it was manned by Peeps. In case you don’t know, it is one of the secret missions of all good and right thinking people to defend our kingdom from these marshmallowy menaces. Attempting to defend our banquet citizenry from these Piratical peeps, we opened with a broadside of chocolate, and I can only say, our first shots were...”sweet.”

Things escalated quickly from there. Soon, our tower was assaulted en-masse by these fluffy fiends, resulting in a series of retaliatory raids. Ransom notes were sent, candy filled the air, other tables got involved and somehow our miniature “Capt. of the Guard” for our tower, ended up with their Royal Majesties, Capt. of the Guard. Little did we know that our Lilliputian Lothario had a thing for the Ladies, and indeed unrequited love sprang forth. As the feast progressed, our talented and hilariously patient server, Sir Gamel, dutifully picked up our miniature horse and delivered messages back and forth, complete with clopping noises. At one point, to win the heart's desire of our champion, we were tasked with the quest of providing one unarmed Sloth to the beautiful lady in question. At this point, I sat at my table, pondering how table decorations had somehow led to me having to either try to get his Royal Majesty involved in this nonsense, or embarking on an ill conceived scavenger hunt. Wisely, I opted for the scavenger hunt.

In short order, a hedgehog doll was found, tied upside down to a Hogwart's wand, and duly present as an “un-armed sloth.” This, in turn, now had to be ransomed from her Majesty which, fortunately for us, we had at our table some diplomatic and wealthy merchants (Pine Box Traders) who by dint of chocolate filled gold coins ransomed back our newly designated sloth (if the Queen says it’s a sloth…then it’s a sloth!)

I wish I could say at this point, all accounts were settled, but it got even sillier from there, involving mass negotiations, and hastily written bad limericks. Fortunately, by the end of the evening, I was able to return the transmogrified hedgehog/sloth to its proper owners, informing them that by royal decree, this creature should now be more properly displayed inverted.

For those of you pondering what feast decorations you will have at your next banquet, I would recommend the following: “Wet-Wipes” and large plastic bags are very handy for a quick clean up of your feast gear afterwards. And just in case the feast turns militant, you might want to bring additional supplies of chocolate, quill and parchment for writing ransom notes (or peace treaties, or love poems, etc.) and just possibly a sloth. Just in case. Many thanks go to all the hard working people who make such events possible!

Bon Apetito’

THL Thomas “Target for Chocolate” Whitehart is also known as “True Thomas the Storyteller.”