SCA

Warning: Spoiler alert! There are articles here that have yet to be published elsewhere. All content copyrights belong to “True Thomas the Storyteller” (Robert Seutter) and/or the SCA. If you would like to re-publish these articles in your SCA newsletters, magazines, etc. please feel free to contact THL Thomas Whitehart (True) and he’ll be glad to help you.

• ABC-SCA, The SCA Alphabet Primer
• A Shield Wall of One!
• Bad-Bard, Bad-Bard, Whatcha' Gonna Do?
• Born in the SCA
• Crag's Lyst, (April Foolish!)
• The Medieval Diner
• Sunny Valhalla SCA Retirement Home
• Secret Stratagems
• Siege Towers 101
• The Boke of the Dyseases le SCadyian
• The Fyne Art of Combat Brewing
• True’s Glossary of…EVIL!, Version 3.0!
• Happy Hanu-Kwana-Solsti-rismas!
• The Fyne art of Feast Warfare
• SCA Heraldic Zodiac Bling
• Welcome to the New Middle Aged-ness
• The Fyne Art of Picking a Nemesis
• A Visit From Sir Sven A Claus

• Class Handouts

The Boke of the Dyseases le SCadyian

By: THL Thomas Whitehart

I know that as a community, we are a pretty knowledgeable bunch. In any moderate sized group of SCA people, you can find folks who can tell you where to get the best deals on fabric, rattan, duct-tape, I-phones app’s, or the super deluxe ninja-dragon gold limited edition copies of Buckeroo Banzai. These knowledgeable folks can also help you fix a registry setting on your computer, tell you the difference between a bransel and polka, re-calibrate Stonehenge (just a nudge), and help you get your new sword tuned for that perfect slot shot.

Alas, there are some small holes left in our giant compendium of knowledge. And as a bard, it is my duty to make certain that important information is disseminated. In this case, I refer to that ancient tome; “The Boke of the Dyseases le SCadyian.” I have been assured by Master Brownell that the tea stains on it are absolutely authentic, and I have run it by the Chirugeons tent at war. (I was being chased by a pack of crazed boffer wielding 10 year olds at the time.) Here are some of the more dire maladies you may recognize:

HeliumHandupus: (B-Aran-teerism, Eilidhphilia etc.)
This poor person is afflicted with one of our most contagious of diseases. When the call goes out for volunteers, they have an uncontrollable urge to put one of their hands in the air.

Symptoms: Patients often look tired, frayed, harried, and have a painful fixed smile. Occasionally, they may look innocent or bewildered because they were actually reaching for another donut at the time.

Treatment: Sadly, because this disease has useful byproducts, there is little agreement how to treat this. {Rumor has it, that certain people are actually trying to spread it.} Home remedies often include having a mate or friend tackle you with a vengeance, or hitting you vigorously with a day-timer as your hand goes up.

War-Itis: (War-thrush, Faire-Crud, Crud of the month club)
Usually affects people who have purposely stressed their immune systems. The conditions leading up to the disease are indicative. They include: Lack of sleep, drinking strange things from strange vessels, giddy bouts of thrashings and bashings, sharing communal food and facilities with 5000 of your closest friends from parts unknown, while exposed to massive amounts of sun, dust, and drumming.

Symptoms: Collapsing on the couch after war, with the inability to move, and red eyes and sniffles for the next three days at work, with a vague smile. Either very large bruises, or hundreds small coin sized ones.

Treatment: Standard cold remedies, shared driving duties, and repeated wars to toughen up the immune system. *It should be noted that a “lack-of-funds-ectomy” is a harsh but 97% effective cure.

Auld-timerz Disease: (Bi-peerage, Guillaume Syndrome, Alphabet Souper.et.al.)
This disease affects some of our most valued members. They can often be spotted by their stooped posture due to all the medallions hanging around their necks, and awards affixed to their bodies.

Symptoms: This is a fairly easy disease to test for. Any attempt at reminiscing will leave them in a reverie, going on and on about the “early days”. If you have the subject write down their name, they will often ask “which one?” and follow it with a variety of letters and punctuation marks.

Treatment: Unfortunately, while there has been much research, and a cure has been promised by the SCA center for Heraldry Control, it’s been in submission since A.S.1. It may be a while before we see a promising treatment. Currently, our best options include: -Making them as comfortable as possible. -Speaking Loudly in one ear. -Offering to “Go Easy On Them.” It is also considerate to ask if they need any help carrying their carpet armor, tie-died wimples, and Freon cans from the aging mammoth in the parking lot.

LaurelLustflux*: (alt. Pelican-osis, Beltimania, Spur-pies)
This disease comes in stages and is often co-symptomatic with helium handupus.

Symptoms: This is a progressive and debilitating disease (especially of their mundane lives.) Oddly, it is one of the few mental diseases that seem to be communicable.
Stage 1: Patient is given an award, and starts to crave more.
Stage 2: Patient finds themselves spending long hours doing things that seem quite illogical (hand weaving fabric, hitting trees repeatedly, stomping on grapes) when easily purchasable options are available.
Stage 3: (Beltism, Squire-tinitis) Patients at this point start suffering from a severe mental dis-association, where they want to be a member of a certain club, but can’t look like they are really asking to join.

Treatment: As this is more or less a mental disorder, the patients can be helped by sending praise letters about them to various SCA officials, but ironically, the patients themselves are not allowed to know about this effort.

*There are less virulent forms of this disease for instance “dangly-lust” or “shiny-tosis” It is said that certain Pirate, Gypsy or Landsknecht groups know how to cure them via secret folk remedies, but data on this is lacking.

If you know people who are suffering from these diseases, get help. The patients may be in serious denial about their afflictions. Do NOT attempt to treat them by yourself- speak to your local seneschal or baronial authority. Do not be surprised if they themselves show symptoms.

If you know of any other SCAdian diseases, let me know and I will see if they are mentioned in Bro. Thomas’s follow up classic ““Thee Authentical Guyde, of SCA vile humoures of the dyseased.”” I will of course pass all this info on to the Chirugeonate General, to be entered into our database.

Let the healing begin!